Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
You left your phone here
Wait...
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
