Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Randomize
