i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
