I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
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