I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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