Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
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