There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
