and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
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