best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
