I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
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I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
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He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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