u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
