I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Drunk is not a location!
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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