when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
