Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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