he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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