God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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