True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
We need a shit load of segways right now
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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