i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
