I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
