Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
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I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
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It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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