My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i came on her dog
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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