There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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