one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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