he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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