have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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