I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
