aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
