We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
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