I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
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We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
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So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.