that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS