Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Still dying that you shit outside
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
