You smell like stripper and shame
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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