i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
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I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
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Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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