I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
