also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
