Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
