I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Randomize
