fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
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some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
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As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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