i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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