You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
