I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
