im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
