The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
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