I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
