i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Randomize
