Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
