Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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