You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
