My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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