A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Randomize
