She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
