Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
