I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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