i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
