Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Couch. On fire.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
